The Bitter Son Who Stayed

Luke 15:1, 2

Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them."

Luke 15:25-32

"Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, "Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound." But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, "Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!" And he said to him, "Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found." 

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It was tempting to focus today's meditation on the parts of the chapter where forgiveness, compassion, and joy are so colorfully portrayed. The shepherd rejoicing over his lost sheep, the woman rejoicing over the valuable coin she had searched for so diligently, and the emotional reunion of a patient father with his wayward son - these parables tug at our heart strings and whispers to us that God has reached across the chasm of human evil and welcomed us home to be his children forever. Few chapters of the Bible receive more attention and rightly so.

But, if the opening and closing statements of this chapter are any indicator, Luke appears to be drawing our attention not only to the mercy of our Abba Father, but to the folly of ignoring and spurning this mercy. Jesus is telling us that there is something about this heartwarming narrative that many people will ignore and even despise.

Perhaps what is considered folly here is the idea that God has welcomed even those that we ourselves hate and distrust. Jesus dined with sinners and tax collectors - the outcasts of his day. This was outlandish to the religious leaders.

Perhaps it was the quickness of God's mercy that struck the leaders. Jesus paints the older son in the place of the Pharisees, and his reaction to the feast for his brother is anything but positive. This feast seemed completely unfair and seemed to ignore completely the gravity of the younger son's shameful lifestyle. He had humiliated his father! Now he is being celebrated? And so quickly? So soon after the shame had took place? This was scandalous!

Perhaps what seemed so foolish to the religious leaders was that the gravitational center of their worldview was so publicly discarded by Jesus and his love for sinners. The older brother's objections revolved around himself! Where's my party? How about a goat? I've served you and I get nothing!

Which shows so clearly who they were really serving, doesn't it? They were serving themselves, even with all their knowledge of Scripture and zealous practice of rituals. It was about justifying themselves in the eyes of their Father, rather than admitting their utter inability and running to him for the unfair grace that he so freely offers.

Unfair grace.

It is unfair for the younger son to get a feast! Ever fiber of our sense of justice agrees with the older son. But that's because we have gotten things so wrong, and missed who is really at the center.

My confession is that I've often acted like the older son, especially at my job at Humana. I get pretty competitive sometimes, and I am often tempted to wish for the misfortune of others, rather than celebrate when they succeed, even if they are promoted or recognized before me or more than me. This feeling of envy is the opposite of Christlike love, as Schaeffer pointed out in his True Spirituality:

"Natural desires have become coveting against a fellow creature, one of our kind, a fellow man, when we have a mentality that would give us secret satisfaction at his misfortune. If a man has something, and he loses it, do we have an inward pleasure?"

To covet, envy, and lust for my own superiority is the height of self-idolatry and is utterly offensive to God. The lesson for us is to apply the picture of the younger son to our immediate context, instead of living out the self-righteousness of the older son.

For me, that means working at Humana in such a way that seeks the betterment of others, that serves them without expectation of return or even recognition. It means being more shocked at my selfish interest than I am shocked at God's unfair grace. It means trusting that the feast will come and that my Father himself alone is reward enough for life's trials and tests.

It means joining the feast, for it is really all about Him.

5 Lessons on Love & Relationships

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

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Running can be exhilarating and exhausting. I always love the idea of going for a run, and the first 5 minutes are thrilling - the freedom of getting away, breathing fresh air, and using your whole body to propel yourself forward. But then it starts to hurt. It gets harder to catch your breath, your sides may cramp, your feet and shins start to feel the impact of each step, and you may even encounter a bump that trips you up and throws off your rhythm. Your mind begins tempting you by imagining how nice it would be to stop for a rest. You begin wondering if this is really worth it.

The Bible compares life to a race, and insists that we will only keep running and avoid distractions if we have our eyes fixed on the joy set before us - a vision of joy enticing enough to keep you running even when it hurts. I believe that our sexuality is like running as well. Whether God's plan for you is singleness or marriage, you must have your eyes fixed on the goal of honoring Christ in order to avoid the many pitfalls and obstacles in the way that will distract you and lure you down a different path.

I have been married over six years now, and I have a long way to go on this path myself. But I've learned at least five things along the way that I wish I would have known when I was a teenager. I hope these lessons inspire you to run this race and stay the course:

1. God Invented Sex.

If this is true, it has several implications. First, it means that God is no killjoy or prude. We were created with material bodies that were declared by God to be "very good" (Gen. 1:31), but God saw that it was not good that man should be alone. So, he designed and personally created a partner for man, because Adam and Eve together would reflect God's glory more fully than if he remained alone.

This also means that God himself knows deeper and more powerful pleasures than we can imagine, since our sexuality is merely a dim reflection of his glorious existence as three persons in one. Men and women were made equally in the image and likeness of God, and our capacity for relationship points to the Trinity. Combine the truths of Genesis 1 and John 17, and you get a glimpse of what our sexuality is really about - unity with our Maker and with each other:

Genesis 1:27 ESV

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

John 17:22-24 ESV

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one,  I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.  Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

Another implication of God inventing sex is that he would know best about how and when this sacred gift should be enjoyed. Yes, I'm talking about saving sex for marriage. But before you start yawning, please consider this analogy:

If I gave you $100,000 to buy an Italian sports car, would you jump in right away and put the pedal to the floor, or would you first learn from someone with experience how to drive this powerful machine? Would you risk wrecking this valuable work of art, because you couldn't wait until the right time to drive it?

The reality of this for your sexuality is far more important than wrecking a sports car, because you are risking a far more valuable object (your God-given body) with a far more treacherous fate (the mental prison and wrecked body that you carry with you the rest of your life).

This leads me to my next lesson.

2. Lust is the Opposite of Love.

Lust takes. Love gives.
Lust destroys. Love builds up.
Lust turns others into mere objects.
Love puts others above yourself.

Setting these definitions in your mind can be life-changing, especially when you realize that the only remedy for lust is to replace it with love. One story that drives this home is the story of Amnon and Tamar. King David's son Amnon "loved" his sister Tamar and pretended to be sick in order to deceive her into caring for him, thus getting her alone with him in his bedroom. When they were alone, he forced her into bed, against her will and against her pleas to reconsider this outrageous indecent act. After having his way with her, we learn what his "love" was really all about:

Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up! Go!" (2 Samuel 13:15 ESV)

Amnon's lust turned his sister into an object - something less than human. Every atrocity in human history can be boiled down to convincing ourselves that others are less than human. And we do the same thing when we lust after others. You may easily agree that Amnon's action toward his sister was immoral, but do you see your lust as just as heinous and disgusting?  Jesus had no hesitation about saying lustful desire was equally as bad as immoral behavior:

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery." But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30 ESV)

Lust amounts to adultery, hatred, and dehumanizing of others for the sake of your sex drive. It is all about you, and ironically it will destroy your life and put you in danger of hell. But the opposite is Christlike love. If you have put your faith in Christ and if you enjoy the forgiveness and love that was purchased for you with his blood, then you will live to reflect that love to others, rather than using them to fulfill you.

3. There is no one "right" person for you.

No one is compatible with you. No one is that special magical person who will fit you perfectly and fulfill you completely. Our culture has flooded us with love stories that are completely unrealistic and will lead us toward great disappointment. For example:

Twilight: There is a perfect guy with no flaws waiting to rescue you from all your problems and love you unconditionally for eternity.

Eternal Sunshine/Dan in Real Life: There is an exciting risk-taking girl who will inspire you to finally live life fully.

Glee: Shallow rapid-fire disposable relationships will eventually lead you to the right person.

Serendipity: Trust in mysterious signs to lead you to love, even if it means hurting others you have already committed to.

These fictional human lovers promise to fulfill us, and their stories draw us in. But they are fiction, and sooner we realize that the better. Holding out hope for this type of person is in actuality another form of lust - its still all about us. I should say also that there are people out there who are less compatible for you than others - when it is time for you to pursue a spouse, you should definitely consider if you both have similar interests, goals, and values. But because you are both sinners you can never be truly compatible - there is no perfect soulmate out there.

But if no one is my soulmate, why pursue a relationship at all? The answer is that you are indeed designed to be in relationship, but not to fulfill yourself. You must be in this to serve, protect, and bless the other person, not yourself. This is true for those who may remain single, who are called to lay down their lives in love to dear brothers and sisters. This is true for relationships within families, like caring for aging parents, or putting the special needs of one sibling before your own. This is true for wives who are called to follow their husbands, and for husbands, who are called in Ephesians 5 to lay down their lives for their brides. This will be the real-life test of whether your Christian faith has any reality: do you believe that laying down your life for another person is better than just using them for your own satisfaction?

The beautiful irony for married couples who take this step of faith is that those who lose their lives for their spouse actually do find incredible joy together, because they are putting each other before themselves in a wonderful cycle of giving and receiving. This is a picture of the gospel: a selfless cross, followed by a resurrection of new life. This leads to my next lesson.

4. Marriage is like crucifixion.

That sounds pretty pessimistic, but if you believe that Jesus really rose from the dead, then you know it's not. Crucifixion was the pathway to eternal life for us, and marriage is no different. This is where my story comes in:

In 2004, I met a girl named Donna, and we dated for a few months. We shared a love for music, guitar-playing, and fellowship in Christ. We were goofy too. Our first date was actually a triple date that was kind of a dare between me and my best friends Joey and Mike. But after a few months, I could not avoid the serious questions about whether I should commit to Donna and take this relationship to the next level. In truth, I was scared - scared of commitment and scared of making the wrong choice. So, I broke it off and we became "just friends." After several more months went by, Donna and I continued to share the same circle of friends and see each other often. I actually got interested in another girl for a time, who I barely knew anything about, but God spared me from getting involved with her. In truth, I was floundering in the experience of my feelings for people, rather than thinking clearly about whether I was actually helping and blessing these women in my life.

One night, I got a painful wake-up call from my roommate, who was himself about to get married at the time. I told him about Donna and my longings to find the right girl for me. His words will never leave me: "There is no right person, Jason. I'm about to get married, but I could have chosen any other girl - it didn't have to be her. But I chose her, the same way Jesus chose to hang on the cross and STAY on the cross, even when he could have easily gotten off at any time. He committed, and that's what I'm going to do. Marriage is not about fulfilling you; it's about choosing to die for that person, and continuing to do so every day of the rest of your life."

This message fundamentally flipped my head upside down. It wasn't about me. It was about reflecting the love of Jesus by committing to one person who may or may not be a perfect for me. And then, I began to see Donna in a completely different light. And I asked her to try again, and today we are happily married with two adorable kiddos. And they all depend on me to die like Jesus every day. 

And it is so worth it.

5. Marriage is a joy worth dying for.

Will it be worth it? Staying pure. Avoiding sexual activity for years before marriage. Avoiding sexual activity for years and maybe never getting married.  Keeping my mind on my schoolwork, on family, and on growing in relationship with Christ and my christian community. It sounds like an uphill battle, and it is. But you won't win this battle unless you truly believe that sexual purity before marriage, during marriage, or even without marriage is all worth the cost. So, why is it worth it?

Far more important than the physical, emotional, and financial benefits of committed marriage is the spiritual impact to you, your family, and the kingdom of God. Donna and I have experienced this impact on our lives already and it has created a joy that is deeper than we ever imagined. Here is what that looks like:

Joy in marriage looks like driving away from our wedding reception, feeling so fully loved and supported by our dearest family and friends.

Joy in marriage looks like staying up late playing cards or sharing stories about our day while lying in bed.

Joy in marriage looks like gripping my wife's hand as the contractions get closer and our daughter's first cries ring loud in the birth room.

Joy in marriage looks like laughing hysterically together when your kids say or do something completely ridiculous.

Joy in marriage looks like finding out your little girl has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and crying together as we face and overcome our inadequacy and weaknesses.

Joy in marriage looks like rubbing an ice cold snowball in your wife's face and running away like a little girl as she comes after you.

Joy in marriage looks like seeing each other grow in faith as God answers desperate prayers and sustains you through impossible trials.

Joy in marriage looks like loving each other until the very end, sitting by your spouse's hospital bed as they slip away after a lifetime of friendship.

There are too many joys to count, and they are all worth the waiting, the risks, the costs, and the dying.

Consider the running analogy again: God has set the racing path before us, and has called us to begin. He knows best how to run it because he designed it, and furthermore, in Christ, he ran the race himself to show us how the path of Christlike sacrificial love is the only way to honor God with our sexuality.  God is the author and perfecter of our faith, of our lives , and of our sexuality.

So, don't quit running. Keep your eyes on the joy set before you. He is faithful and he will give you the strength if you look to him for grace every day. There is a resurrection and a new life on the other side of that cross.