My Story

This is my story. My story is about how Jesus rescued me and how my heart and later my mind came to really believe that.

In November 1998, I was 16 years old and I was spiraling toward ruin. I remember my time in middle school and high school vividly. I remember being lonely. I remember craving relationship and not knowing how to fill that vacuum. I remember the crushes. I remember nights lying in bed crying and not even knowing why I was alive.

I was a good student. I was a class clown. I had friends. I was successful on the outside, but there was darkness within.

But one night, a friend invited me to church and everything changed.

I saw people singing about Jesus and I felt something powerful happen. I heard that Jesus died for me. I experienced the presence of God, an awareness that something supernatural did exist and could be present in my life. And my friend's mom prayed with me right there to accept Jesus as my Savior.

I remember driving home just filled with energy! I had met God and I knew things were different now. I was not alone.

And life was different. I made Christian friends. The church's youth pastor stuck a bass guitar in my hand and gave me a stack of songs to learn. I learned through new friends and through new music and through hearing God's Word. I was starting to grow.

But then I went to college at Florida State. I started taking classes from professors who criticised Christian faith and treated it as a mere myth among other myths. I began to wonder how I could claim Jesus was the only way. I saw that other religions have community and compassion and music and mystical experiences. Why did I think my experience of God was more true than theirs? My heart had felt God, but my mind was not convinced.

One night, my dorm roommate, who was not a Christian, directly confronted me with these questions. And I didn't have answers. I went to bed not knowing if I'd wake up still believing.

By God's grace, I did not give up. I looked for answers in the Bible. I continued talking with my Christian friends and older members of my church. I read. I studied. I pressed on.

I came to Louisville to attend seminary, still hungry for answers. I learned about the historical validity of the New testament and the verifiable facts supporting Jesus' resurrection. I met several mentors who introduced me not just to apologetic arguments for God's existence, but to the full spectrum of the Christian worldview. I learned why the biblical view of the world is in fact the most intellectually consistent view on every major topic: on the nature of reality, on man's identity and purpose, on how we know what we know, what is the basis for good and evil, why do we perceive beauty and crave a sense of wonder, how can we thrive in our families, our work life, and our community. I started getting answers. My head was catching up to my heart.

Today, I am a product of my past, a finite person who is still hungry for answers and hungry for relationship. I am still a sinner and I still break promises and I still fight the darkness within. But I am also a redeemed sinner. I stand on the fact of Jesus' resurrection. I stand on the fact that my faith and my feelings are now rooted not in myself or anything I can do, but rooted in what He had done for me. These words are my hope and I know nothing can undo it or take it away:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

Doing History for the Glory of God

Below is an article that I wrote for the Totomundo Newsletter back in the Winter of 2009.  I wanted to keep a record of it here, since this fourfold filter has continued to shape the way I view all kinds of subjects.  By applying the filter of Metaphysics, Epistemology, Ethics, and Aesthetics, one can arrive at a personal philosophy of any topic - history, science, arts, business, etc.  Using these four categories will help beg questions that may otherwise go untapped and unanswered.  I hope that these thoughts are a benefit to any reader who is seeking to apply a consciously comprehensive worldview to their work, their interests, their relationships, and their total life.

...............

Doing History for the Glory of God  (Totomundo 2009)

Does the Bible have anything to say about the academic study of History? Does a Christian have anything unique to offer the field of historical studies compared to a scholar writing from another view? If so, how does a Christian “do history” for the glory of God? Is Church History the only kind of history in which God’s character and presence in the world has been displayed? Or, do political, artistic, and technological histories have stories to tell about our great God and King?

To answer these questions, one must have an idea of Christianity as a total worldview. Francis Schaeffer often exclaimed, God’s truth is “true truth.” He meant that the worldview found in the Bible and in Jesus, over all other worldviews, best accounts for all of reality. A conscious application of a biblical worldview to history involves four areas: metaphysics, epistemology, ethics, and aesthetics. These four areas make up the essential components of a worldview.

First, let’s discuss the metaphysical aspects of historical inquiry. Metaphysics is the answer to these two questions: What is real? and, What is the nature of reality? So if God, humans, and the earth exist, metaphysics still asks what kind of God exists, what are humans in essence, etc.

History is greatly impacted by the underlying metaphysical beliefs every historian carries with him or her. Beliefs about the origins and purpose of the universe affect historical investigations and accounts.

The particular philosophy of history one uses is a metaphysical issue. For example, a historian may look at events in a very mathematical fashion, more in tune with a mechanistic or naturalistic view of the universe. People and events and dates are merely cogs in the machine of history, jumbled together in a deterministic way to produce inevitable results. Or, he may read into history patterns and cycles which are more in line with an Eastern religious view of the universe – history repeats itself, without exception.

The Bible does not allow for a completely deterministic view of history. The historical accounts in Scripture concern real people and take place in a personal universe under the holy and loving reign of an infinite-personal God. Humans are agents in the world, and exercise freedom and choice underneath God’s sovereignty.

Likewise, the cyclical pattern of history in Eastern traditions does not account for the obviously purposeful view of human history described in the Bible. Despite the common experience of “history repeating,” the biblical view is that history truly is linear, not cyclical. As Christian students and teachers, we must beware of unconsciously building on a false metaphysical base of impersonal determinism or meaningless cycles.

Also, the Christian who is researching the past, whether the subject is explicitly religious or not, should give ample thought to what lies beyond the physical subject matter he or she is addressing always keeping the infinite-personal God, as revealed in Scripture, at the center.

Many history textbooks look with skepticism upon the impact of Christian beliefs and thought on historical events, like the founding of the American Republic. For example, consider the “inalienable rights” described in the Declaration of Independence. One historian may emphasize the deism of Jefferson and the apparently humanistic origin of his (borrowed) phrase. Another historian may link this concept to the stream of Reformation principles coming down from British Common Law, founded on the existence of a Law-giver who has endowed His image-bearers with inherent dignity and rights. More often still, historical accounts which should include the activity of God and his people are summarily deleted from the story. One textbook may have a chapter on the Great Awakening of the 18th century. Another may have just one sentence. This is metaphysical bias at its worst.

The second dimension of historical inquiry is Epistemology, the study of knowledge. Epistemology answers the questions: How do you know what you know? And, What amount of confidence can we have about our knowledge?

Epistemology has been the focus of recent conflict within history. The conflict has centered around the well-known “revisionist” theory, which has both positive and negative aspects. Revisionist history does allow for free inquiry into the historical status quo, cultivating new interpretations that may actually be closer to the truth than commonly held assumptions. One bright example has been David McCullough’s resurrection of John Adams as perhaps the central character on the stage of the American Revolution.

The detrimental side of revisionist theories is that they have led some so-called historians to deny the existence of major events, like the Jewish Holocaust. Although this example is rather extreme, some of these theories have become wildly popular. For instance, Dan Brown’s goddess-worshiping version of Christian history can still be found in bookstores worldwide.

The root problem with revisionism is that it is set on a relativistic base. It does not accept any criteria or guidelines for establishing the validity of any claim and any proposed criteria are quickly dismissed. The revisionist may operate out of pure skepticism, but the raging sea of perpetual doubt will never land us on the fixed shore of certainty (James 1:6).

Now, history is not a completely scientific endeavor. We can’t use the scientific method or repeatable experimentation to pin down a historical theory. “By the standards of science, it makes a lousy laboratory,” says Wilfred McClay. “But the problem is, it is all we have. It is the only laboratory available to us for assaying the possibilities of our human nature in a manner consistent with that nature.” That is the key phrase. The revisionist says that perpetual skepticism is the manner consistent with our nature. The Bible disagrees.

Scripture provides a balance of epistemic inquiry that sees human knowledge as substantial, but not exhaustive. This balance replaces the revisionist’s skepticism with a humble, yet confident footing. In fact, this balance provided the catalyst for the modern scientific revolution which began with Isaac Newton. While early scientists like Newton understood they could never know exhaustively, they took confidence from the existence of a transcendent Law-giver, who gave such order to His universe that substantial knowledge of it could be obtained through careful study.

Today, however, the relativist denies all absolute truth-claims, and to an extent we can understand his frustration. The plurality of truth-claims we face is overwhelming. How can anyone, including a historian, say with any certainty that something has truly happened? The scientific method, useful in many other situations, does not apply to history.

But, the biblical worldview does ground historical methods of inquiry in our image-bearing capacity for reason and in the logical order of the natural world. The physician-historian Luke displayed this kind of epistemic confidence when he wrote the following introduction to his history of the life of Jesus:

Inasmuch as many have undertaken to compile a narrative of the things that have been accomplished among us, just as those who from the beginning were eyewitnesses and ministers of the word have delivered them to us, it seemed good to me also, having followed all things closely for some time past, to write an orderly account for you, most excellent Theophilus, that you may have certainty concerning the things you have been taught. (Lk. 1:1-4)

Luke provides some first steps toward a Christian epistemology: (1) multiple sources, including eyewitnesses and even the personally invested, are sufficient for trustworthy evidence; (2) close examination is required, for the truth will not always be obvious in a fallen world; and (3) an orderly account is a fit vehicle for the narrative to make sense to the reader. The historian can investigate the past with integrity through these kinds of methods. The results will be knowledge that is absolutely true, however finite it may be. We can therefore make conclusions about our research with substantial confidence, even to the point of forming penetrating critiques and serious moral applications. This feeds directly into the ethical questions that face historians.

The third realm of inquiry is the realm of Ethics. We have already touched on some ethical ideas in the first two realms. Historians have a moral responsibility with regard to metaphysical bias and epistemic integrity. What is left to be said? Well, the historian plays another ethical role in the area of assigning moral judgments, implicit and explicit, to the subjects he or she is writing about. Whether his thesis is to vilify some historical figure, or he is just leaving a vague sense of disgust about a character while claiming moral neutrality, the realm of ethical judgment is powerful and relevant to the Christian historian.

The Christian may immediately feel the pull to condemn the unrighteous and vindicate the godly of the past. This is a natural instinct which is often inversely shared by non-Christians, especially atheists. However, these ethical pronouncements are a great opportunity to display sincere civility. Christians indeed have a duty to uphold the reputation of godly men and women throughout history. We should be grateful for the special role that church historians play in this regard, yet the arm of fellowship should be extended to historical characters and events which are not “sacred” or church-related, but do display goodness and aspects of true humanity. As Christians, we are called to cultivate, draw out, and emphasize true humanity whenever possible.

Christian historians have a responsibility to hold up their subjects to the light of God’s Word and see what shines and what does not. This is the opportunity to paint human nature in a way that is in tune with the biblical balance: mankind is noble, but fallen. We cannot fall into extremes here, in either our individual judgments or in the body of our work.

For example, the student of Nazi Germany may come away from his studies with incredible despair over the realities he is facing. Mechanized murder. Sterilized ethnic-cleansing. Will to Power. These are very real and deserving of our moral condemnation. But generally speaking, the Christian must be careful in the body of his work to paint both sides of human nature. Even in the darkest of moments there have been slivers of light and beauty.

This is not naïve optimism, but an absolute necessity in today’s academy, which is driving thousands of young Christians from zealous faith into abject despair. This unbalanced emphasis on the fallenness of mankind is often held by believers who have held to the self-deprecating extreme and thought that such attitudes were increasing admiration for the holiness and grace of God. I wish it were the case. More often, the absence of any inherent dignity in mankind, rooted in the image of God, has driven believers to despair of life itself.

This leads directly into the fourth and final category of inquiry, that of Aesthetics. Aesthetics answers the question: What is beautiful? The realities of beauty and ugliness are recurrent subjects in historical study. In a world that says “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” the Christian historian has an awesome responsibility to show forth a standard of beauty in the subject matter of his work. The basic litmus test for absolute beauty is whether the subject accords with what is True and what is Good. For example, a courthouse that is aesthetically pleasing on the outside may be home to gross injustice on the inside. In this case, despite subjective appeal, this courthouse could never be truly beautiful.

In addition to being an aspect of a subject, the research, study, writing, and composition itself is an opportunity for beauty (or ugliness). The historian has a wonderful role to play as painter of human nature, covering his canvas in a way that is fitting to the medium. This task calls for creativity, diversity in methods and forms, and opens up a world of possibilities. Evangelicals too often cringe at these concepts because of their unswerving commitment to absolute truth and the authority of God’s Word. Instead of cringing, we must grow in our appreciation of the diverse forms of beauty in God’s good creation. In general revelation we find the spectrum of light as it passes through the changing phases of water (a rainbow!). We see nebulae, galaxies, worlds without number, apparently created for the pleasure of God alone. In special revelation we find the amazing story of God’s relationship with mankind, told through a diversity of literature: psalms, narratives, parables, visions, letters, and more. And all of them are history!

Finally, the historian must impart his vision of beauty in a form that is fitting. He must be winsome in argument, colorful in illustration, and civil in all moral pronouncements. These efforts will make historical endeavor deeply personal, taking the names and dates off the dusty shelf and animating them into an unforgettable and intimate encounter.

It is my hope that the academic field of history will be greatly impacted by a generation of Christians who consciously apply a biblical worldview to history– who see the God-centered purpose of human history, the hope of substantial certainty in inquiry, the both noble and fallen nature of its subjects, and the wonderful diversity of its form.

And, may God receive all the glory.

My Excellent Wife

Proverbs 31:1

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.

...............

In honor of my lovely wife's birthday, I wanted to publish a little poem I wrote years ago.  Each stanza correlates to the major points of Proverbs 31.  Donna has been and continues to be a rich fountain of blessing in my life.  By God's grace, I am learning how to put this into words, and I am grateful for her patience in that :)  

Love you Babe!

My Excellent Wife (Valentine's Day - 2010)

All of my life, I had searched for the one

To meet all of my needs and fulfill all my heart, 

But so little I knew of love’s mysterious nature: 

A fire that starts with the smallest of sparks, 

Or a jewel that takes eons of pressure to form 

From the hard bitter earth, into beauty unknown.

When I gave you my hand, I gave you this vow:

“I will never let go, no matter what comes,

If the earth should shake us and break to the bone,

Your hand will remain in mine all along.”

I trust you with all of my heart and my life.

I will never regret that I made you my wife.

For all that you’ve done has showered me, dear,

With the blessings of love and of joy and good-living.

And everyday since, I have drawn from that clear

Flowing stream of good fortune – you never stop giving.

You may think that you never do all that you should,

But I’m telling you now – all you’ve done me is good.

Till your hands were both raw & your back was all bent,

And your rest was all stolen with eyes full of tears,

You labored until all of your strength had been spent,

And not just for days, but now year upon year.

I could never repay all the wages I owe

To the wife of my youth who has sacrificed so.

From calls on the phone that last deep through the night,

To baking a treat for a dear troubled friend,

To our plans to bring a child from darkness to light,

You have sought to bring poverty soon to an end,

And rescue the lost, one heart at a time.

What a mercy that I can now call your love mine.

You had thought it was I who would solely provide,

And bring purpose, protection, and food to our table,

But this correction to you I must humbly confide:

It is you who have proven to be clearly so able.

In the sewing and crafting each day all alone,

We have purchased a house, but you’ve made it a home.

In each smile that passes between you and I,

In the squeals of laughter that run down the hall,

In the honor, respect, and deep trust of your friends,

You can hear a loud choir of praises from all:

“Many women have put on an excellent show,

But you stand apart in a class all your own.”

And, it’s not merely all of the deeds that you do,

Or the fact that you sacrifice again and again,

But deeper than that is a heart that beats true

To the rhythm of grace that has overcome sin.

In the fear of the Lord you have genuine beauty,

So I praise you, my wife, my friend…my Cutie.

Transformed by His Word

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

...............

What is the central message of the Bible?  How would you summarize the whole thing?  How can you grasp and understand this message more clearly?  Why should you even try?

One way to answer these questions is found in Deuteronomy 6.  Moses has just finished reiterating the Ten Commandments in the preceding chapter, and chapter 6 provides a culminating statement about God's law, summarizing what He has spoken and what He requires of His chosen people:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.

For later generations of Jews, this verse became known as the "Shema," the Hebrew word for "Hear." It would also become famous to Christians for its place in the teaching of Jesus.  When Jesus was asked by a lawyer to pick the greatest commandment in all of the Jewish Law, his response was this:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 22:37-40)

Not only did Jesus quote the Shema.  He also quoted another passage in the Law referring to love of neighbor as equally important.  And then he went a step further and claimed that all of the Law and Prophets depend upon these two concepts.

1. Love for God
2. Love for Others

In other words, Jesus gave us at least one way to answer the question, "What is the Bible all about?" The answer is: Love God and Love Others.  These two concepts can be used as a lens through which all of Scripture can be understood.

But this also begs the question, "How can I love God and love others?"  And, I think Deuteronomy 6 provides some answers to this "How" question as well.  The answer is: Mediate on His Word.

This passage connects the command to love the Lord with mediating on His Word.  Moses describes several different ways to focus on God's command, all in an effort for us to integrate it more deeply into our lives:

Read/Hear/Memorize - And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart...
Teach - You shall teach them diligently to your children...
Discuss - and shall talk of them...
Everywhere - when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way...
All the time - and when you lie down, and when you rise...
Continuously - You shall bind them as a sign on your hand...
Visually - and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes...
In writing - You shall write them...
Privately and Publicly - on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

So, Deuteronomy 6 is encouraging us to use a variety of methods to integrate God's Word into our lives.  I think that the variety is meant to open doors of creativity.  There is no one perfect way to read or study the Bible, although there are some methods that a particular person might prefer over other methods.

In other words, there is freedom to be creative in how we approach the Bible, because what matters more than the method is the goal of understanding what is written so that we can be transformed to love God more and love others more.

One way to approach the Bible is to see every encounter as a pathway to being transformed.  If we find that we are reading the Bible regularly, but it is not transforming our lives, then perhaps we need to try another method or approach it another way.  I try to see my interaction with Scripture as following these four general steps:

1. Read/Hear…in order to…
2. Meditate…in order to…
3. Understand…in order to…
4. Transform…in order to be more like Jesus

Romans 12:1-2 reminds us that we must always be seeking transformation in our Christian life.  And, this transformation can be achieved through the "renewing of our minds."  Romans 8:29 tells us that God is at work in our lives, steadily shaping us into the image of His Son.  And Colossians 3:10 tells us to "put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator."

All of these passages are just another way of saying that we need to be transformed to be more like Jesus, who was the perfect image of God, and who perfectly exemplified what it means to Love God and Love Others.  The pathway to this transformation is through reading, hearing, meditating, and understanding God's Word.

Now, when you think about the content of God's Word, you may think of heroes and villains and battles and journeys and relationships and miracles and strange visions and prophecies and songs.  You may wonder how all of that can be summarized in "Love God and Love Others."  But truly, the content of Scripture is all about who God is, who we are, what God has done for us, and what He is now doing in our lives.  And these are exactly the kinds of things, when mediated upon, that will inspire more love for God and more love for others.

When we meditate on what God has done for us, it will inspire our love for Him.
When we reflect and understand what He is saying to us, it will transform us to love others more.

Now, I'll give an example from my own life.  There was a time when I struggled to believe that God was pleased with me.  Even though I new the story of Christ dying for me, even though I had experienced His salvation and His presence in my life, I was afraid that He did not love me sometimes.  On days when I could not "feel" His presence or His love, I wondered if it was still there.  I wondered if I had sinned too many times or failed to live up to what He wanted in my life.  How could I know for certain that He was there and that He loved me?

And this is where I can confidently say that God's Word is effective to transform us.  Because at the time that I was struggling with these doubts, I happened to be meditating on Romans 5, which contains much that will inspire our Love for God and Others.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8)

The method of reading I was using at the time was to go for a long walk outside and repeat verses several times out loud until they were memorized.

Yes, I was that guy talking to himself in public.

And, while I might have read this many times before, there was something about meditation and memorization that caused me to rewire my thinking.  Where once I feared the uncertainty of God's love, here I found that it was altogether certain and unchangeable.  For the love that God has for me is not based on my condition, nor based upon my performance, nor based upon any feeling that I might have.  It is, and always will be, based upon something God "showed" or "demonstrated" in real space and time and history.  It was an event that can never be undone or taken away.  God's love was not primarily an experience to be had, but an event to be acknowledged and relied upon.

I can honestly say that reflecting upon this truth has changed me life.  The love that I so desperately craved is altogether mine.  I am known, I am understood, I am forgiven, I am accepted.  And it is done.  And this indeed has inspired love for God and love for others, which was the point all along.

On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.

In conclusion, the Bible can been summed up as a call to Love God and Love Others.  The way to do this effectively is to be transformed by reading and meditating on God's Word, which will inspire these outcomes more and more as you do them.  And the method of the reading and meditating may take on a variety of creative forms and activities - whatever helps you to remember, understand, and be transformed.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

Ross

I've been avoiding this post. But I know I will never move on until it is written. It feels like the last few tears that have yet to be shed.

I miss you Ross. And I'd like to focus on who I miss rather than the missing itself.

When we met, I was largely untethered. I mean, I knew the basics about life, and I wanted to pursue a life in christian ministry, whatever that meant. But I couldn't tell you how or why, other than a  subjective feeling of duty and several emotional experiences that had led me down this path. I met you and heard those infamous questions for the first time.

What do you do?
How do you do that for the glory of God?

I told you I was called to mentor young men and help them become men.

Your response: That's the last thing we need! All methodology and no content.

I had never faced someone so frank, someone who could read me like a book and wasn't afraid to wager an educated guess as to my deepest weakness and then show me a better way. 

The car ride home was quiet for me.

A year later, Donna and I were asking you and Lynn to meet with us for pre-marital counseling. I never would have made it that far if your son Ryan hadn't radically flipped my mindset about marriage. I had started to see Donna as someone I could die for, rather than someone I could use for my own fulfillment. And I know that wisdom originated in you and Lynn and the legacy you passed on from several generations of faithful men and women before you.

Our first session together, I had expected a book chapter outline or a research assignment. Instead we got magazines and scissors. Our homework was to create a collage of photos that symbolized what Life meant to us. You were exemplifying creativity and joy, over and beyond duty or obedience.

You welcomed us into your family. We saw Stone Soup in action. We shared laughs and meals with the siblings and fellows who shared the joy and the vision. We drank deeply from a well that can only come from generations of joyful celebration of human life. There were stories of kids climbing refrigerators, kids digging their own swimming pools, kids learning to embrace their "bent" from an early age and being allowed to pursue it without shame.

There were hard stories too, but those stories were often used as private warnings. You never spoke ill of anyone. Even if they had wronged you. You taught me how to love unconditionally.

And we saw you say goodbye to Lynn. Your partner, friend, lover, and joyful companion in many efforts. It seemed like you were half a man from that point on.

The work continued on. Maison de la Vie. Totomundo gatherings. Family camp. And this year, an incredible leap forward in effort. Publishing the baby games. Forming new fellows groups. Recording the Precis material. It was an incredible final sprint at the end of a long rich marathon.

The finish line. That was the image in my mind as we stood in the hospital outside your room. You were running till the very end, arms in the air, even leaping for the joy that is inexpressible. Christ in you, the hope of glory.

Now you see the glory, and not through a glass dimly. Now you walk arm-in-arm with Lynn again, basking in a light much stronger than the sun. Now you see the fruit of your life's work. Now you have arrived into the arms of that unconditional love which you so faithfully channeled to others, even to me.

You are a forever friend. Thank you for teaching me what that means.

Soli Deo Gloria.

5 Lessons on Love & Relationships

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

...............

Running can be exhilarating and exhausting. I always love the idea of going for a run, and the first 5 minutes are thrilling - the freedom of getting away, breathing fresh air, and using your whole body to propel yourself forward. But then it starts to hurt. It gets harder to catch your breath, your sides may cramp, your feet and shins start to feel the impact of each step, and you may even encounter a bump that trips you up and throws off your rhythm. Your mind begins tempting you by imagining how nice it would be to stop for a rest. You begin wondering if this is really worth it.

The Bible compares life to a race, and insists that we will only keep running and avoid distractions if we have our eyes fixed on the joy set before us - a vision of joy enticing enough to keep you running even when it hurts. I believe that our sexuality is like running as well. Whether God's plan for you is singleness or marriage, you must have your eyes fixed on the goal of honoring Christ in order to avoid the many pitfalls and obstacles in the way that will distract you and lure you down a different path.

I have been married over six years now, and I have a long way to go on this path myself. But I've learned at least five things along the way that I wish I would have known when I was a teenager. I hope these lessons inspire you to run this race and stay the course:

1. God Invented Sex.

If this is true, it has several implications. First, it means that God is no killjoy or prude. We were created with material bodies that were declared by God to be "very good" (Gen. 1:31), but God saw that it was not good that man should be alone. So, he designed and personally created a partner for man, because Adam and Eve together would reflect God's glory more fully than if he remained alone.

This also means that God himself knows deeper and more powerful pleasures than we can imagine, since our sexuality is merely a dim reflection of his glorious existence as three persons in one. Men and women were made equally in the image and likeness of God, and our capacity for relationship points to the Trinity. Combine the truths of Genesis 1 and John 17, and you get a glimpse of what our sexuality is really about - unity with our Maker and with each other:

Genesis 1:27 ESV

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

John 17:22-24 ESV

The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one,  I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.  Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

Another implication of God inventing sex is that he would know best about how and when this sacred gift should be enjoyed. Yes, I'm talking about saving sex for marriage. But before you start yawning, please consider this analogy:

If I gave you $100,000 to buy an Italian sports car, would you jump in right away and put the pedal to the floor, or would you first learn from someone with experience how to drive this powerful machine? Would you risk wrecking this valuable work of art, because you couldn't wait until the right time to drive it?

The reality of this for your sexuality is far more important than wrecking a sports car, because you are risking a far more valuable object (your God-given body) with a far more treacherous fate (the mental prison and wrecked body that you carry with you the rest of your life).

This leads me to my next lesson.

2. Lust is the Opposite of Love.

Lust takes. Love gives.
Lust destroys. Love builds up.
Lust turns others into mere objects.
Love puts others above yourself.

Setting these definitions in your mind can be life-changing, especially when you realize that the only remedy for lust is to replace it with love. One story that drives this home is the story of Amnon and Tamar. King David's son Amnon "loved" his sister Tamar and pretended to be sick in order to deceive her into caring for him, thus getting her alone with him in his bedroom. When they were alone, he forced her into bed, against her will and against her pleas to reconsider this outrageous indecent act. After having his way with her, we learn what his "love" was really all about:

Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up! Go!" (2 Samuel 13:15 ESV)

Amnon's lust turned his sister into an object - something less than human. Every atrocity in human history can be boiled down to convincing ourselves that others are less than human. And we do the same thing when we lust after others. You may easily agree that Amnon's action toward his sister was immoral, but do you see your lust as just as heinous and disgusting?  Jesus had no hesitation about saying lustful desire was equally as bad as immoral behavior:

"You have heard that it was said, "You shall not commit adultery." But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30 ESV)

Lust amounts to adultery, hatred, and dehumanizing of others for the sake of your sex drive. It is all about you, and ironically it will destroy your life and put you in danger of hell. But the opposite is Christlike love. If you have put your faith in Christ and if you enjoy the forgiveness and love that was purchased for you with his blood, then you will live to reflect that love to others, rather than using them to fulfill you.

3. There is no one "right" person for you.

No one is compatible with you. No one is that special magical person who will fit you perfectly and fulfill you completely. Our culture has flooded us with love stories that are completely unrealistic and will lead us toward great disappointment. For example:

Twilight: There is a perfect guy with no flaws waiting to rescue you from all your problems and love you unconditionally for eternity.

Eternal Sunshine/Dan in Real Life: There is an exciting risk-taking girl who will inspire you to finally live life fully.

Glee: Shallow rapid-fire disposable relationships will eventually lead you to the right person.

Serendipity: Trust in mysterious signs to lead you to love, even if it means hurting others you have already committed to.

These fictional human lovers promise to fulfill us, and their stories draw us in. But they are fiction, and sooner we realize that the better. Holding out hope for this type of person is in actuality another form of lust - its still all about us. I should say also that there are people out there who are less compatible for you than others - when it is time for you to pursue a spouse, you should definitely consider if you both have similar interests, goals, and values. But because you are both sinners you can never be truly compatible - there is no perfect soulmate out there.

But if no one is my soulmate, why pursue a relationship at all? The answer is that you are indeed designed to be in relationship, but not to fulfill yourself. You must be in this to serve, protect, and bless the other person, not yourself. This is true for those who may remain single, who are called to lay down their lives in love to dear brothers and sisters. This is true for relationships within families, like caring for aging parents, or putting the special needs of one sibling before your own. This is true for wives who are called to follow their husbands, and for husbands, who are called in Ephesians 5 to lay down their lives for their brides. This will be the real-life test of whether your Christian faith has any reality: do you believe that laying down your life for another person is better than just using them for your own satisfaction?

The beautiful irony for married couples who take this step of faith is that those who lose their lives for their spouse actually do find incredible joy together, because they are putting each other before themselves in a wonderful cycle of giving and receiving. This is a picture of the gospel: a selfless cross, followed by a resurrection of new life. This leads to my next lesson.

4. Marriage is like crucifixion.

That sounds pretty pessimistic, but if you believe that Jesus really rose from the dead, then you know it's not. Crucifixion was the pathway to eternal life for us, and marriage is no different. This is where my story comes in:

In 2004, I met a girl named Donna, and we dated for a few months. We shared a love for music, guitar-playing, and fellowship in Christ. We were goofy too. Our first date was actually a triple date that was kind of a dare between me and my best friends Joey and Mike. But after a few months, I could not avoid the serious questions about whether I should commit to Donna and take this relationship to the next level. In truth, I was scared - scared of commitment and scared of making the wrong choice. So, I broke it off and we became "just friends." After several more months went by, Donna and I continued to share the same circle of friends and see each other often. I actually got interested in another girl for a time, who I barely knew anything about, but God spared me from getting involved with her. In truth, I was floundering in the experience of my feelings for people, rather than thinking clearly about whether I was actually helping and blessing these women in my life.

One night, I got a painful wake-up call from my roommate, who was himself about to get married at the time. I told him about Donna and my longings to find the right girl for me. His words will never leave me: "There is no right person, Jason. I'm about to get married, but I could have chosen any other girl - it didn't have to be her. But I chose her, the same way Jesus chose to hang on the cross and STAY on the cross, even when he could have easily gotten off at any time. He committed, and that's what I'm going to do. Marriage is not about fulfilling you; it's about choosing to die for that person, and continuing to do so every day of the rest of your life."

This message fundamentally flipped my head upside down. It wasn't about me. It was about reflecting the love of Jesus by committing to one person who may or may not be a perfect for me. And then, I began to see Donna in a completely different light. And I asked her to try again, and today we are happily married with two adorable kiddos. And they all depend on me to die like Jesus every day. 

And it is so worth it.

5. Marriage is a joy worth dying for.

Will it be worth it? Staying pure. Avoiding sexual activity for years before marriage. Avoiding sexual activity for years and maybe never getting married.  Keeping my mind on my schoolwork, on family, and on growing in relationship with Christ and my christian community. It sounds like an uphill battle, and it is. But you won't win this battle unless you truly believe that sexual purity before marriage, during marriage, or even without marriage is all worth the cost. So, why is it worth it?

Far more important than the physical, emotional, and financial benefits of committed marriage is the spiritual impact to you, your family, and the kingdom of God. Donna and I have experienced this impact on our lives already and it has created a joy that is deeper than we ever imagined. Here is what that looks like:

Joy in marriage looks like driving away from our wedding reception, feeling so fully loved and supported by our dearest family and friends.

Joy in marriage looks like staying up late playing cards or sharing stories about our day while lying in bed.

Joy in marriage looks like gripping my wife's hand as the contractions get closer and our daughter's first cries ring loud in the birth room.

Joy in marriage looks like laughing hysterically together when your kids say or do something completely ridiculous.

Joy in marriage looks like finding out your little girl has been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and crying together as we face and overcome our inadequacy and weaknesses.

Joy in marriage looks like rubbing an ice cold snowball in your wife's face and running away like a little girl as she comes after you.

Joy in marriage looks like seeing each other grow in faith as God answers desperate prayers and sustains you through impossible trials.

Joy in marriage looks like loving each other until the very end, sitting by your spouse's hospital bed as they slip away after a lifetime of friendship.

There are too many joys to count, and they are all worth the waiting, the risks, the costs, and the dying.

Consider the running analogy again: God has set the racing path before us, and has called us to begin. He knows best how to run it because he designed it, and furthermore, in Christ, he ran the race himself to show us how the path of Christlike sacrificial love is the only way to honor God with our sexuality.  God is the author and perfecter of our faith, of our lives , and of our sexuality.

So, don't quit running. Keep your eyes on the joy set before you. He is faithful and he will give you the strength if you look to him for grace every day. There is a resurrection and a new life on the other side of that cross.

In Memory of Lynn

Psalm 16:9-11

Therefore my heart is glad,
and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

...............

These words were so powerfully exemplified in the life of Lynn McGary. While I only knew her for a relatively short while, she convinced me that true joy could only be found in a deeply experienced relationship with God, through Christ. There is no other way to explain the fullness of joy that characterized her during periods of such physical pain and suffering. Lynn found her joy in the presence of her Savior, and it showed.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

There are very few people who have experienced a life of complete dependence on God. Lynn, you have made the Lord your portion in ways that have been truly amazing. You have seen miracles great and small: bills paid, needs met, people saved, and lives transformed. You have spent your life banking on the "beautiful inheritance" of obedience to God, rather than experiencing the "sorrows of those who run after another god."

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

We can sing with the psalmist about the gratitude we feel for Lynn's incredible counsel. How did you have the strength to stay up into the morning hours, pouring out your wisdom to bumbling young people? How could you know that your words would fundamentally shape the way that Donna and I look at each other, look at our children, and look at the world God has made? You knew, because you were drawing up the waters of wisdom from a well that has stood the test of time: the eternal Word. Truly, God has used you to "make known to me the path of life."

The last time we saw you, you were lying in a hospital bed. We came all that way to perhaps bring some small bit of comfort or encouragement. But, when we brought Gracie in to see you, you mustered the strength to smile, and even play peek-a-boo using your oxygen mask. Your fullness of joy could not be overcome. Instead, your joy overflowed and overcame the sadness. You depended upon the Source of life, and He shone through you so brightly, it was almost too much to behold.

Why did you love so deeply, so joyfully, so selflessly?

I want to spend the rest of my life finding out.

Thank you for the life you gave.

SPECIAL REPORT - God is not Trite

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers,
by the mercies of God,
to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,
holy and acceptable to God,
which is your spiritual worship.
Do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and acceptable and perfect.

...............

This has been on my mind all morning. I cannot help but write about it.

God is not trite.

He is not petty. He is not narcissistic, schizophrenic, unreasonable, or unstable. Why am I saying all of this? What is happening that makes God appear to be petty?

The Church.

The Church is what is making God appear so small, so irrelevant, and so detached from reality. It drives me mad just thinking about. Now, before I get into the details, this is not a full-fledged condemnation of God's church. The Church is God's holy bride that will be washed in his blood and taken into the new heavens and new earth to live with him forever. I love the church. That's why it's imperative that we call her out of darkness. And, the particular kind of misrepresentation that is driving me mad this morning is this: WORSHIP.

Consider, how many times does the New Testament make reference to singing? How many times in the book of Acts, for instance, do we see the early church singing? In Acts 4:42 we have a brief summary of the life of the church. "And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers." Does anybody see singing in there?

The point is, worship is not what many people think it is.

Worship does not equal singing, raising your hands, trembling, feeling awe, getting slain in the Spirit, or any other ecstatic experience. God demands worship, in Spirit and in truth, and he promises eternal hell for those who do not worship him. I'll say that again: He promises hell for those who do not worship.

Whoa, wait a minute! Hell? For not singing? For not attending a weekly "worship" service? Why, God sounds like a petty, immature, narcissistic, maniac!! What a waste, why would I ever worship a God like that?!

And, those are the appropriate questions the church has to face. We've painted God to be petty and then demanded people to worship. Our children grow up thinking this way and they end up turning away by the time they hit college. The problem is, the Church continues to try and solve this problem in the wrong way. Emergent churches try to make "worship" more trendy and in line with the surrounding culture (God is somehow lagging behind culturally?). Mainstream churches make "worship" more formalized and liturgical, hoping to bring people a sense of reverence or nostalgia (God wants to be lagging behind culturally?). And, Evangelical churches just switch the music around, fire the choir, and hire a twenty-something guitar player to lead us in a "worship experience." All of this is under the pseudonym "worship."

Romans 12 gives us another definition of worship: putting every aspect of your life on the alter, and conforming those details to the will of God, rather than to the world. That is worship, in a nutshell. Doing EVERYTHING to the glory of God. But, it's not doing everything with a Jesus-stamp on it. It's not just slipping people a gospel pamphlet with their receipt at the register. Or, whispering prayers while you toss boxes or punch in numbers on the keyboard. No, doing everything to the glory of God is really seeing what you do in a new way. That may require some basic changes in what you do with the majority of your time. Or, it may mean merely changing the WAY you do what you do with the majority of your time. Either way, it is comprehensive, all-encompassing, and powerfully relevant.

God is not trite. He cares so much more about the ins and outs of your daily life than in whether you had a certain kind of experience or sang a certain kind of song on Sunday morning. And, when we start to see the comprehensive nature of the worship that He demands, it begins to make a little more sense why Hell is the alternative. For those who make their lives into a personal kingdom of self-rule and self-worship, Hell is the only logical destination. We condemn ourselves by making God into a petty, distant, immature music-leader. He doesn't just want our songs.

He wants our lives.

(P.S. I do enjoy singing and think the Church has plenty to sing about!)

SPECIAL REPORT - My Excellent Wife

Proverbs 31:10-11

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trust in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.

...............

I had the rare opportunity last night to eavesdrop on a conversation between my wife and one of her best friends, Bethany. They were discussing parenting and getting into the details of correction and discipline, as well as the fundamentals of how we should view our children -- primarily as sinners, or as bearers of God's image. The more I listened, the more grateful and undeserving I felt. What a shame that I do not realize EVERY day what a treasure of wisdom and thoughtfulness I have here in my own house. I am so blessed to have a wife who is both my best friend and deepest love. I pray that she is blessed today in knowing how much I love and appreciate her...

Donna, you have given me every reason to trust in you.

You have carried our second child through months of sickness and weakness, all while caring for Gracie with your whole heart. You've given until it hurts, and then gave some more. You've prayed for me, encouraged me, and served me too many times to count.

I know that you will do me good, and not harm, all the days of your life.

You have proven time and again how to pinch a penny, make a dollar go farther, and find creative ways to get us through to the next paycheck. You've denied yourself dozens of times by putting off haircuts, buying generic off-brands, and considering the future before the decisions of today. You work your butt off, both in physical effort and intellectually, doing your research on parenting and real estate and cake decorating. These efforts, I truly know, are part of how you are strengthening this household.

You have dressed yourself with strength and made your arms strong.

I look to you before anyone else in my moments of doubt and confusion. You are a woman of incredible wisdom, not satisfied with pat answers, but digging deeply to find a genuine answer for the toughest questions. You are a woman of conviction, and you have stuck with your conscience so many times, even when there were few (or none) around you who agreed. That is true humility. You've put our family even above your own reputation, and I love you for it.

You open your mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on your tongue.

I am so very grateful for your sacrifice, for your constant affection and encouragement, and for the wisdom and thoughtfulness that you exude in every circumstance. You are truly praiseworthy, my bride and my friend. I will trust you all of my days, because I know that you are on my side, for my good, and for the good of our family.

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her.
P.S. Thanks for packing my lunch today! You are so sweet!